(Warning: More No-No-Words Will Be Used in this Review Than Usual)
The very first advance movie screening I went to was for Mr. Peabody and Sherman in 2014. My dad worked at a newspaper then, and the movie reviewer couldn’t make it to the screening, so he gave us his tickets. At that time, I was obsessed with reading the movie reviews in the Friday paper, so my dad suggested that I try and write one myself and submit it to Ok.com. (A now shut down family based review site similar to Common Sense Media.) He also suggested that I bring a notebook and take notes on the movie, because that’s what most critics do. I did, and I took notes for a good 15 minutes before getting lost in the movie. Movies are such an enchanting and mesmerizing experience for me, no matter the quality. I just love being lost in a movie! Because of that, I hadn’t taken notes during a movie since Mr. Peabody and Sherman back in 2014. I hadn’t, until Dolittle. For some reason, I felt the need to bring a notepad and pen to my 10:15 PM showing of Dolittle. I don’t know why, but thank Goldblum I did! If I hadn’t, I would’ve left my theater in a body bag. These notes saved my life.
In The Shining, they made it so that the interior of the Overlook Hotel couldn’t fit into the Hotel we see in outdoor shots. The huge rooms and winding hallways don’t correspond with the layout of the building we see in establishing shots. It’s disorienting, and it gives the audience a subconscious feeling that something just isn’t right. It’s subtle, but effective. Dolittle is this, but it’s unintentional, it’s constant, and it made me want to die. Nothing in this movie makes sense. Nothing in this movie is consistent. I’m pretty sure if you go onto this movie’s page on IMDb and look under the “continuity errors” tab, it will just give you a link to the full movie. Characters are at one place, then the next shot they are in a completely different spot. People are wet, then they aren’t. An entire island is after them, then they aren’t. Characters act one way in one scene, then a completely different way in the next. This isn’t nitpicking, it’s a constant distraction, and it’s disorienting as hell.
And on top of that, there are around twenty characters yelling various phrases and one-liners the whole goddamned movie. “Let’s go!” “We got this!” “Never give up!” “Cowabunga!” “That’s NOT good!” “Uh oh!” “I’m scared!” “I think it’s time to go!” “That’s ONE ANGRY BIRD!” “I’m too beautiful to die!” “Did Dolittle do a little doo doo?” “Fuck you Aiden, you stupid bastard man!” It never ends, and it is insufferable.
Speaking of insufferable, Robert Downey Jr.’s accent. I don’t know what it is, but I hate it. I couldn’t understand a good amount of what he was saying, and he also said “BOYO!” a lot. I didn’t like it. Also, there was a dumbass duck named Dab-Dab that kept thinking that various objects were medical supplies. This hilarious joke came back five different times throughout the movie. Also this movie cost 175 million US dollars to make.
SPOILERS!!! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE MOVIE “DOLITTLE” RUINED
dr. dolittle shoved a leek up a dragons ass and it farted on his face and the dragon said thanks and she gave him a magic fruit that they then used to save the queen of england’s life this is not a joke i hate this movie
I’m going to give this movie a new rating that I will use for movies that are similar in quality to Dolittle:
Fuck This Movie For Real Tho, Like Actually