‘The VelociPastor’ Movie Review – It’s as Great as It Sounds

I’ve watched quite a bit of “so bad, it’s good” movies in my day. I’ve watched the classics like The Room and Birdemic. I’ve watched lesser known dumpster fires like The Final Level: Escaping Rancala and Selfie Man. I’ve even watched a movie called OMG! I’m a Robot! And throughout all of these films, there is one constant. The fun stops when it becomes self-aware. For instance, in the film The Amazing Bulk, the film is spectacular for the first half. Horrendous green screen, wonderfully awful acting, it was shaping up to be a real work of art! But then what happened? They gave up and decided to make a “so bad it’s good” movie. Any effort that was in the first half was completely gone. They knew what they were doing, and in doing so, created a movie that just becomes unwatchable. This happens more times than I would like in these kinds of movies. They try way too hard to become the next “The Room”, that they forget what made it great in the first place: the innocence of it. My boy Tommy Wiseau genuinely believed he was making a great picture, and you know what? He did. This rule has maintained it’s perfect track record for years now, with no movie proving it wrong. Until a few weeks ago when I sat down with the boys to watch The VelociPastor.

Within the first 5 minutes of the film, we get a tragic backstory for our main character named Doug Jones. Doug gets dropped off by his very loving parents at Priest College. But after Doug says his goodbyes and turns to enter the College, he hears an explosion. He turns around and screams in agony. We then see a shot of where the car was parked, but the car is gone and replaced by text reading: “VFX: Car on fire”. This resulted in riotous laughter from me and my friends, but as I was laughing, I started to worry about what this entails. They have established that they’re self-aware this early on! According to the rule, this could only end in disaster. Boy was I wrong. This movie is brilliant. It tells the story of a Pastor who gets bitten(?) by a fossil in China and gains the power to turn into a Velociraptor. He then teams up with a prostitute and fights crime. Also there’s ninjas. Also there’s a Vietnam flashback. Also it’s got a few mindblowing twists. Also it features the best sex scene in film history. Somehow it manages to capture the magic of the best of bad movies while remaining completely self-aware. And where The Amazing Bulk felt soulless and lazy, you could tell everyone was having a blast while making VelociPastor. And there’s a pimp character named Frankie Mermaid because he’s, and I quote, “swimming in bitches”. Needless to say, I highly recommend this film. And we’re getting a sequel!

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